Aaaaaah Cam don't do this, just don't, you know it's a bad idea. He is older and wiser and don't kid yourself, he has absolutely no interest in a tragic little virgin like you. Just stop it.

There is a guy at work that I have had mainly superficial conversations with, until this past weekend when I drove him home and we talked, I mean, really talked. About how life sucks and how I hate myself for being so painfully shy. Talked like I haven't done since I went to see my sister in BC and we went out for a walk and ended up out for two hours just talking about life. And he asked me to email him with my phone number and I did, and today I met him for coffee and studying. And he was there, just there, not expecting anything and not playing mindgames with me. He was just there and we talked some more about bad relationships and music and movies and I felt like I was rambling on and on but he seemed genuinely interested, or atleast he faked it aptly.

And now I can feel myself falling into that whole thing again, falling for a guy just because he's there, just because he bothers to talk to me. I know he just wants to be friends, and I just want to be friends too (mostly out of fear), but I gave him a hug when we parted ways and I felt the familiar flutter in the pit of my stomach, the "omigosh i am touching a boy" feeling that I HATE because it makes me feel so inadequate, like I am not confident enough to have platonic male friends, it makes me feel like there always has to be MORE even though I am utterly happy right now.

Now I can't sleep, it's horrible. Next time I see him I will do something stupid I am sure, and then it will just be awkward to be around him, and I will have fucked it up like I have fucked up relationships with everyone who doesn't have the same blood as me, because I am an idiot who just can't understand why anyone would want to talk to me, even though they tell me that I am interesting and witty and such things, I just don't get it.

Lord help me. Reading Prozac Nation at 2 AM is making me want to kill myself.