First day back at school today. I saw a guy I knew last year, a cute guy who I have a secret crush on. I said hi, acted incredibly shy, and a girl I know from highschool, who was standing nearby, laughed at my social ineptitude. She told me she was surprised I was still so shy. I laughed it off, but deep down it kind of hurt. I really am a moron when it comes to talking to people. I can have casual conversations with customers, but as soon as it’s someone I know and will probably see again, I freeze up, I get nervous. It’s even worse that I go to a french language school, which means I am expected to socialize in french. For some reason, despite the fact that french is my first language, it seems like I have to concentrate more on what I’m saying. English just flows, french doesn’t.

So now everyone I encounter thinks I am a huge loser. And maybe I am! But I don’t see myself that way, really I don’t. In my head I am a cool, interesting, witty person. In real life I turn beet red whenever anyone looks at me.

I always feel like just going somewhere where no one knows me and starting over. Being the outgoing, witty person I believe myself to be. Because I can’t just do that now, here, with the people who already have a pre-set perception of me as the quiet girl in the corner. I need to go somewhere, be with brand new people, and finally get rid of the problem.

Of course, knowing me, even if I were with new people I would still be this way. I sometimes think it’s because of the way I was raised. My sisters always shined and there was no spotlight left for me. I have been quietly standing behind them all these years, I can’t possibly change now.

But I just wish I could talk to him. Normally. Without getting laughed at.