My tummy grumbles and it makes me happy. I never have and never will go an entire day without food, but for some reason today I skipped dinner and somehow I feel like I won. Like for once I don’t feel like a huge pig. If I lean back a bit and suck in my stomach when I look in the mirror, I can see my ribs and the outline of my hipbones sticking out and oh god, it doesn’t exactly make me jump for joy but there is a little tiny twinge of victory in the depth of my heart and I certainly don’t want to ruin that by going back to my old ways of eating all the time, even when I’m full. I pretend that I am very health-conscious but oh lord, what if I am actually anorexic and just in denial? What if other people see bones where I see bulges? What if my vision of my own body is skewed, like they say in those documentaries about this shit? And no one is telling me?

Sometimes I worry too much. I am a whatever, a person that always thinks there’s something wrong with them. A hypochondriac, that’s it.

Co-worker complimented me on shirt today. Mentioned going out for beers after work. Wussy me, has never been in a bar and does not own fake ID, made up excuse about father picking me up right after work. Desperately wanted to go. Am beating myself up. Cannot fall for geeky, bearded co-worker who I believe is 5 years my senior, which obviously means “not interested in little girls like me”. Can. Not.

I am so dysfunctional.