I don't know what it is. I used to regret leaving him , and then all of a sudden I just didn't anymore, I was just over it.

And then I hear that he still loves me and wants to give it another shot ... And I feel myself being pulled in.

It's not that I really want to be with him. I can disguise it every which way I want, I don't think I love him anymore. I've been through all the stages and I am done with him. But I still find myself wanting to call him, to ask him to meet me sometime.

Maybe I just want him to see me, finally. Don't we all want that? I want him to see me looking better than ever. I want to play games with his head. I want to make him jealous. I want to lead him on. I want to break his heart, I want to hurt him, to make him feel like someone punched him in the stomach and he's still trying to catch his breath.

Because that's how he made me feel. Sure, it wasn't his fault, I broke it off, I'm to blame, bla bla bla. Regardless of all that, he hurt me so much.

Revenge is bittersweet, I know. If I do this I will regret it, it's a bad idea, I shouldn't talk to him at all. But I want the comfort of knowing that I am the heartbreaker, that someone out there nurses a tortured soul and that I am to blame. I want to be wanted.

This is crazy. This is stupid. He told me this weeks ago! Why should I believe he still feels this way?

Maybe we'll just chat a bit, just to see ...