Yesterday I stayed at my sister's and we watched YET MORE movies. There is no longer a single movie we haven't watched.

Anyways, we watched "Say Anything" with cute cute John Cusack and "10 things I hate about you" with cute cute Heath Ledger and it was great.

My sister has the tendency to go to sleep in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. Since my sleeping patterns are more, you know, NORMAL, I went to bed at around 2 AM and woke up promptly at 9.

In the morning. My sister woke up at 2. PM.

So this left me alone with my thoughts for a solid 5 hours. I watched TV, I raided her fridge, I surfed the web, I read a bit, and then for a while I sat in the semi-darkness of her basement apartment and just thought. I sat on the couch, having a pretend argument with the boy in my head.

Yeah, I'm deranged. I went back and recreated Friday night, more specifically when I had to beg him to give me a ride home. I know I didn't make it a big deal when I described it here, but it really was. We were across town from where I live. I spent 20 minutes begging and pleading and arguing with him, and this morning I went back and rehashed it all.

I wanted to tell him that this was exactly the reason we weren't together anymore. He is so incosiderate. He invites me to go to the movies with him and his friends, and although I know it's a bad idea and it will probably go horrible wrong, I go anyways. I make arrangements and deals so that I can get a lift there. I make sacrifices with myself, telling myself it's only a couple of hours. I don't want to go very much but I know he wants to see me so I do this for him.

And then I get there and he tells me I look good and that he missed me and then he introduces me to his new girlfriend. Bam, there it is, there's no turning back, it's not like I could refuse to meet the girl. And after that, I go with him to Peter's house and when I ask him to give me a lift home he tells me he's tired and it's too far and he doesn't know how to get there and bla bla bla. Nevermind that I'm in the car and I can give him directions. Nevermind that he lives closer to my house than he does to Peter's. Nevermind that he invited me and I am doing this for him. Nevermind that if I don't have a ride I will be spending the next hour and a half on the bus, and nevermind that it's so late there might not be any busses passing anymore and I'll have to pay for a taxi.

No, nevermind all of that, he just thinks about how tired he is and what an inconvenience it would be to go out of his way to be a gentleman.

I know we're not together anymore and I know I hurt him, but I honestly thought we were past all that, I honestly thought we could be friends and he could give a damn about someone other than himself for just one second.

God. I think back to the way I lowered myself to his level and begged him. I should've just told him all this and left. I should've torn him a new belly button in front of his friends and left, and let him realize his mistake and worry about me alone in the city in the middle of the night.

I just wish my life had that much movie-magic. I wish it could all go as I plan.

Instead he drove me home quietly and I haven't spoken to him since.

Is it okay to hate myself? Too late.