When I have too much time to think I start to worry.

This is basically how my thoughts about the boy have evolved since the last time I saw him. At first, I was pretty neutral. I missed him, sure, but it wasn't a FRIGGIN OBSESSION. Then I started wanting him. Needing him. Thinking about him night and day and missing him to much I could cry.

Then I started wondering how it would be when he got back, and how wonderful it would be to finally see him and talk to him again.

And then I start to think. Because so much of my relationship with the boy has been imagined (a shout-out to my crazed depressed angsty years), I sort of took the habit of imagining the boy's qualities. Well, not making them up so much as exaggerating them. There are plenty of times when he's just a big jerk, but for some reason when I think about him I only remember the times when he was sweet and cute and funny.

So I'm starting to worry about us. Maybe when he comes home he'll be a jerk and he won't be anything like I remember him being. Or maybe he'll change his mind and say he met someone here or in Greece and he realizes he can do better than me and he'll just break my heart.

I'm afraid. Afraid that all the good things I remember about him are just things I made up. It's hard to tell the imagined from the reality, especially when all you have from the person is your own thoughts.

I haven't even spoken to him. Haven't even communicated with him through e-mail, because he doesn't have any means of such communication where he is.

I'm starting to feel so alone. Like everybody out there is on a mission to make me feel like shit and my only friend, my only beacon of light is him. And I hope and I wish that he comes home soon but what if when he comes home he joins them and I become REALLY alone?

I don't know what's the worse situation. Missing him and worrying this way, possibly for no reason at all; or having him here and having the possibility of him changing, all of a sudden.

I don't know exactly how to say it, but I sort of wish this were all over. It's like I've picked up a book and I just want to flip to the end and not bother with all the rest. I want to be far off in the future and be able to look back on this time in my life, instead of swimming in the uncertainty of the moment.