I don't know what I want. Maybe it's graduating. Maybe it's being with someone who, although I'm not always sure about him, makes me feel a lot happier than I've ever been. Maybe I'm scared, paranoid, I don't know.

All I know is I resent this diary. This diary that keeps all of my bad days and doesn't let me forget them. This diary that reminds me of my mistakes, my failures, my slap-in-the-forehead DUH! moments. It's a part of me that I long to put behind me, and I feel like I just can't do that when it's all right there in my face.

Oh, and maybe there's also the fact that I've noticed more and more people intruding on my personal life. I have no way of knowing who these people are, whether I have met them or not, and it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's my own fault for putting all of this on the Internet, I know. Maybe it's my own fault for not wanting to face the harsh reality of life.

But the thing is, I just can't stand it. People JUDGING me, my life, my decisions, my family, my boyfriend.

I find myself wanting to write about the latest stupid thing my boyfriend has done. But then I start worrying. Because as helpful as Diarylanders want to be, I know the first thing they will tell me is that I should break up with him, that I shouldn't take this abuse. But it's not true. Our relationship is great and sure, everyone screws up once in a while. Sure, I tend to exaggerate things when I'm venting. But the thing is, I LOVE him. I do. He's a wonderful guy. And people, online or not, trying to turn me against him is not what I need right now.

I want to tell people what to say back to me. I want to control things. I want them to say that things may be at a low right now, but it'll get better. I don't WANT a way out of it. I don't want to be a coward. I want reassurance that I'm doing things right, that my life is fine the way it is.

I find myself WANTING to write, to complain about my family. But I don't want to come across as the bitchy moody teenager who hates the world. I find myself censoring my thoughts, stopping myself from writing when all I want to do is pour it out.

And on top of that, after I vent, I don't want it written down there eternally. I don't want to be able to look back on all the times I've bitched and moaned about this and that.

There is a large possibility that this diary is going to be locked a week from today (Friday). If you know me personally (as in from school and what not), do not bother e-mailing and asking for a password, because you are definitely not going to get one. I haven't decided if I'm going to come back or not.

Goodbye.