To the rude person who left that guestbook message :

I am getting paid? I was not aware, thanks for fucking reminding me. Unfortunately my check seems to have gotten lost in the postal system. Maybe it was dropped in a big vat of SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Damn. Whatever. I had a fight with the boy, we made up, everything is going peachy keen.

There's nothing wrong with me. That's the problem. There's nothing to complain about and it's depressing the fuck out of me. I just wish ... I wish I could just be whiny and bitchy again, like I used to be. I was free before. Now for some godforsaken reason I feel the need to watch what I say, to avoid offending people, the boy or the boy's friends or people that the boy holds high in his esteem.

Fuck his esteem. Fuck it all to hell.

And there's nothing realy WONDERFUL either. Nothing exciting like there was when everything started with the boy. It's just routine. We've settled into this kind of machinery and I feel like a 46 year-old housewife who's unsatisfied with her marriage.

FUCK. I'm complaining about goddamn nothing. Why do I have to be such a pissoff all the time? I look back at things I've done and I don't understand how people stand me. I'm such a child. I don't think before I goddamn act. I blurt things and I act out and I'm all around annoying.

I just don't fucking know what to do. I want to run, I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to dance, but there's just nothing. I'm not even excited about grad. I'm not even excited about GODDAMN GRAD. All the buildup to that special day that was there before just dissipated, now it just seems like something that's coming way too fast or not fast enough.

There are only a couple of people worth talking to. Most of them are online. One of them is in class, and he's one of the coolest guys I know. My dad isn't even that much fun to talk to anymore. I feel like I'm losing touch ...

The boy was insensitive. I mentioned we had a fight? It was stupid. He got mad because I have beliefs. I value my family, and I don't believe in cheating or helping others cheat.

Why the fuck was I apologizing? It wasn't my fault we were fighting. I just wanted it to end, to blow over once and for all.

French teachers are idiots.

This weekend I'm gonna lie around the basement watching the Season 1 DVD of 24 and do nothing. Think nothing. Feel nothing.

I just want ... I don't know. I'm not satisfied, but I don't know why, because I was before and my situation hasn't changed since then. I guess the thing that's changed is my ... mind frame ...

I. Just. Don't. Know.

I'm the most horrible diaryist ever. I mean really. I update less goddamn often than Chrome Magnum Man.

Oh, that joke was so tasteless. I'm practically ashamed.