I had the weirdest, most horrible dream just now.

I got a visit from a grade school friend of mine, the same one that the boy asked to the prom after the Great Misunderstanding of Fall 2003. She told me she knew about what was going on between the boy and I, but also that she had a crush on the boy and wanted to try going for him. Now this was strange not only because she knew all of this (she changed schools in grade 7), but also because the boy and her hadn't seen each other in years (I know this because the reason he asked her was BECAUSE he hadn't seen her in years.)

She said if I didn't mind, maybe we could just be friendly competitors? I stared at her in disbelief. What the fuck? She took my silence as approval, and said "Great, then." and put out her hand to shake mine. I practically exploded. "I DO mind. I'm NOT fine with it. What the hell do you think you're doing? What kind of question is this to ask someone?" It went on like that for a little while, and then it just kind of faded out into the next scene ...

After that it was my high school graduation. Except I think it was just some kind of rehearsal, because it was just the students and the principal in the auditorium. The principal asked what you had loved about your highschool years.

As it came to me, I didn't know what to say. I finally blurted out "I loved ... somebody."

Everybody looked at me, obviously knowing who I'm talking about, and I probably went red. I would NEVER do something like that. EVER. I would probably say something about loving the free dress days, or the stress before midterms, so everyone would chuckle and nod and that would be that.

After it was over I went to hand it my black graduation robe thing and turned around to try to spot the boy. I knew in my head he would ask me about it ... I saw him for a second, and he looked at me, but he quickly turned away. He went into the hallway. I went after him.

I wandered the halls a bit until I saw him, walking with this other girl. Some blonde chick I've never seen before, I must've made her up. They walked past me, and I said "hi" to the boy. Now usually when I do this he would stop to chat. Especially after what I had just said.

He just walked on by. He took blonde girl's hand and took her up this staircase that doesn't even exist at my school, only in my dream.

I felt "What the fuck?" and betrayed and horrible and I walked around school just ... in a daze. I went back to the auditorium where graduation rehearsal had been and for some reason, it was outside now. The rows of chairs were still there and the stage was a huge icy snow bank. I walked to one side of the snow bank and climbed up and started walking across. It was really icy, and I was slipping around the whole way there, but I just kept walking. It was as if I couldn't see anything in front of me, I just kept going.

When I got to the end of the snow bank there were two sofa chairs on the slope down to the ground and one person standing at the bottom. Talking about how someone had just had an interview with Maya Angelou. I don't remember much about that part, but I remember the Maya Angelou thing. I don't know why. I also remember someone making reference to the film "La Tour Montparnasse Infernale", which I have never seen so I didn't quite get it.

I think that's about where I woke up. Or at least that's up to where I remember. And when I woke up I felt the same as in my dream, like it was real. I remember thinking to myself "Wow, there goes everything with the boy", before realizing that it was a dream, that I hadn't graduated yet, that there was no other staircase at my school, that it was all in my mind.

But I still felt horrible. I still FEEL horrible, as I'm writing this. Now, I'm not so great at the whole dream analysis thing, but I KNOW that somewhere deep down (and sometimes not so deep down), I fear saying something stupid and messing everything up.

I hope this feeling goes away. It's like I'm depressed again. I have no energy, I feel like crying, I've been starving since I got up, even though I had breakfast ...

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