This morning, I was lying in bed in a kind of half-awake, half-asleep daze, remembering dreams ...

I remember a dream I had. I think it was last night, but it has happened in the past that I've remembered a dream days after it happened, so that time frame is tentative.

It stuck because it's one of the few dreams I've ever made about the boy. I don't remember all the details exactly, but it was something about us pretending to be dating to make someone jealous ... I don't know if I wanted to make someone jealous or if it was him. I don't remember much, except that we were at school, in a classroom, people carrying on with their lives around us ...

We were standing there together, and his arms were around me ... and then he pulled me in and kissed me.

I don't remember much about anything else, about classmates' reactions or whatnot. But I remember that kiss.

It's strange, because I've never been kissed, so I have no idea how it is. It always struck me as somewhat awkward, and it always worries me that I'll suck at it ...

But I keep replaying that kiss in my mind, and even though it wasn't real ... it was nice. Everytime I think of it, I smile, and my stomach does this kind of fluttering thing, and it's just so strange ...

The other day, I was talking to the girl I always talk to online but never in person when I see her at school ... We talked about the boy a bit.

She said, "What exactly is he waiting for? Doesn't he see what he's missing out on?"

I thanked her for the compliment but didn't go any further ... but it made me think ...

He told me once he really hated himself for having girlfriends in the past because it always screwed up his friendship with them, they always ended up hating each other in the end. I guess indirectly he meant it as "I like you, but for the sake of our friendship, we shouldn't date."

I know it's bad to say this, but fuck the friendship. I don't want his "concern for the friendship" to come ruin anything that might happen between us. Fuck the goddamn friendship, this is highschool. If I don't have a carefree, immature teen romance, then I may very well explode.

Fuck hormones. Fuck the friendship.

I hope that dream comes back.