Today was the last day of class before the christmas break. There was an abundance of yelling, being idiots and not listening to teachers. We had an hour and a half of lunch and the senior boys all got together to have a feast. No girls allowed. For some reason I really admire them for organizing this. They did it last year too. The most immature group of guys manage to collect funds, organize enough food for everyone and have it delivered to school. It's amazing.

I gave him the christmas present I bought him. A PEZ dispenser in the shape of Homer Simpson. Thoughtful, or pathetic? He seemed to like it anyways.

School let out early after the math test, and I knew he was taking the city bus because he's going to see Lord of the Rings with his friends. So I went down to the bus shelter to see if he was still around, to say goodbye, to wish him a merry christmas. I had nothing better to do.

I hung around with him for about 20 minutes. Talked about what we were doing over the holidays. A girl I know, conveniently his ex-girlfriend, gave me a weird look and made kissy noises at us. Everyone, and I mean everyone, thinks we're dating. But we're not. We're not.

From the corner of my eye I could see my bus friend A. cuddling with her "boyfriend-but-not-officially my boyfriend". Trust me, cuddling is not an overstatement. Get a fucking room. The mushiness made me sick.

Then his bus came. He gave me a hug, I wished him a merry christmas. I waved him off. I walked down the parking lot, back through the school, to the back lot to catch my school bus. My other bus friend O. asked me where A. was. I told him she went to Lord of the Rings with all the guys. He asked me why I hadn't gone.

I said I wasn't invited. Which is a lie. Someone suggested that I should come, but I turned it down. I'm not part of the group. I don't work with their dynamic. I would've spent the evening by myself anyways. Besides, I had a fascinating Friday night of doing nothing ahead of me.

I went to see Mona Lisa Smile with my sisters and my cousin. Because my mom had company, and I wanted to get out of the house. Maybe I'd seem less pathetic that way.

And right in the middle of the movie, I smelled him on my shirt. It's what I smell every time I hug him, every time I'm around him. A mixture of my perfume and his deodorant, and body heat, and all these smells and I suddenly just caught a whiff of it. There I was, in a dark movie theater, sneaking sniffs of my shirt. I felt so ... strange. The same kind of strange that I felt last year around this time, when I kept thinking that everything would work out and that we were ... meant to be ...

Have I said before that I never want to be at that stage again? Right. Okay.

I never want to be there again. And that's exactly where I'm headed.

I'm two days away from a year at Diaryland. Of course, if you add up all my entries it might add up to about a week's worth, but still ...

*sniff sniff*